Teddy Bear Picnic

August 07, 2018:

A couple ne'er-do-wells get notified of a job in Gotham. The heist doesn't go so well. Those teddy bears are /way/ tougher than they look.

East End - Gotham

That ubiquitous warehouse district of Gotham where it's 99% crime and 1% legitimate businesses who couldn't afford space anywhere else.

Characters

NPCs: Toyman (not named)

Mentions:

Plot:

Mood Music: [*\# None.]


Fade In…

*BOOMERANG SOUND EFFECT*

First, let's just get it out of the way, that yes, there is clearly a boomerang sound effect. And Owen may or may not have spent hours in Stark's lab using ridiculously expensive equipment to get the foley effect needed to make it sound /just right/. But the sound effect isn't the important thing. No, it's the app that has that particular sound effect attached to it. owen really has no business still having a login to the Unternet. But it still lives on his phone and sure enough a new job has appeared in his queue.

Owen tries to be good, but going straight is so ridiculously boring. And so he opens the app. Just to check. There's no harm in just looking at it.

The details are sparse, which isn't terribly unusual. There's a warehouse in the East End, a delivery of goods by a local crime boss is coming in. Someone is willing to pay top dollar to make sure those goods end up in their hands, not the intended warehouse. The only details on what the goods are, are that the heist will require either their own mac truck or stealing the one used to make the delivery.

And not having any interest in trying to covertly bring his own tractor trailer, Owen arrives instead via rooftop. He's dressed very much in his Captain Boomerang regalia, including the domino mask. He carries a black duffle bag of gear, which he drops with a plop on the roof. He has a few minutes to kill so flips through the enhanced vision in his mask to try and see what they are dealing with.

Hmmm.

The warehouse is shielded from infrared. There are reflectors and electronic countermeasures setup that make night vision all but useless. What is going on here?

*

https://youtu.be/nf0oXY4nDxE

So. That's the sound coming from the giant as all heck Semi-Trailer that's rolling down the street, right here in the East End. Right towards the warehouse that's supposed to be the site where all this stuff is going down. Or where things are supposed to go down.

Unlike some RICH BOOMERANG THROWERS, the Despicable Deadpool does not have a cool app. No. Instead, he has this choice gem of a text conversation to lean back on:

Weasel: wade. wat u doing?
Wade: rubbing one out to unicorn porn.
Weasel: gross. want to make some cash?
Wade: hold on. give me seven seconds.
Wade: okay. so it was three seconds. cash me.
Weasel: here's the address. bring a truck. a big one.
Wade: Oooo. The plot thickens.
Weasel: don't type thickens after you've just—

Yeah, anyway, Deadpool hung up after that and called in some favors to get this awesome super sized truck that has been painted red and black and has a huge Deadpool logo on the side… with clown paint slathered across it? In an X shape?
he Birth of a Brand, maybe? A Brand… X?

The work in progress logo is the least of the worries because the person driving (and terribly, I might add) this truck is DEADPOOL. And he's not really paying attention to what's in front of him because he's hanging out of the window and looking up at the passenger he's got on top.

"This is just like Teen Wolf! The good one! Not the MTV cap!" Deadpool honks the horn to the beat of that choice selection of music and takes a moment do some raise the roof hand signals… taking his hand off the wheel and everything.

Not good. For anyone involved.

*

Harley Quinn has an app. Harley knows how to check it. She also has a very desperate situation that puts her in need of cash yesterday. Well, earlier than yesterday, really, but cash. She needs it. Because SOMEONE broke her window at her backup place, and her hyenas keep escaping down the fire escape to try to eat the neighbor's cat. And normally, Harley really wouldn't care if some feline became the next Hungryman TV dinner, but the neighbor it belongs to kinda reminds her of her grandmother.

It's super awkward.

So. A new window costs cash, and cash comes through jobs, and jobs come through the Internet.

But they don't tell you who is showing up for competition. Quinn doesn't have a giant truck, but she does have an ability for dressing appropriately when the job requires. Right now, she's in a pair of tight denim jeans, a baggy tee shirt, and a denim vest. And a baseball cap with her ponytail threaded through it, reading: 'MAKE GOTHAM CRAZY AGA— Oh. Nevermind.'

She is not sneaky. She pops her bubblegum loudly as her heeled up tennis shoes click against the dirty pavement, and she's walking along the sidewalk with every intention of trying to go through the front door. Because crazy is as crazy does.

*

There are no posted guards visible. There are only cameras. Lots of cameras. And little sensors. Interestingly though a slight buzzing overhead if anyone cares to look up, might reveal a handful of drones hovering around the area.

The buzzing of the drones is drowned out by Deadpool's very stealthy and understated approach. Owen tenses, bringing his hand up to his mouth to take what he assumes is a last drag off his cigarette before tilting his head. Why is the music so loud? Why is it honking?

"Oh no…"

Slowly Owen is able to focus in on the driver and realize exactly who has joined the party. Red-suited-Harley-chasing-bullet-magnet-fuck-nugget. That was his name right? Nooo. It was Deadpool. Right. Owen sighs and heads back to his bag to swap out a couple of boomerangs, apparently deciding on the fly that he's not going to need some of the more stealthy tools he had originally. But despite his apparent displeasure at the loud mouthed merc, Owen can't help but smile to himself.

"Well fuck it. At least this gonna be a crazy ass good time."

But once he makes his way back to the roof's edge and takes one last look at the front door his smile falls.

"Seriously?!"

"Seriously."

"… seriously?"

With a slightly defeated slump to his shoulders, Owen leaps down to the fire escape, swings around and then jumps out onto the back of the tractor trailer. A robin or a nightwing might make those moves seamless and smooth, but Owen's are jerky and punctuated with much more swearing.

*

"ARRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Deadpool has the nerve to offer a really bad howling impression as he gets closer to tractor trailers and warehouses and everything else that's supposed to be in the path of this truck that he's got. He's definitely just going to all out and out ram the thing. He's not one for trying to be stealthy.

Like, what, if he had a video game, he'd be walking around on his tiptoes when the movement stick is pushed slightly? Come on. Like anybody would ever let Deadpool have his own video game.

Deadpool, as he approaches things that need to be rammed, just steps on the gas and floors the already speeding vehicle that he's driving so that he can destroy everything in his path and get to the goods before all the people he doesn't know are around… become relevant.

"SALLY FIELDS SENDS HER REGARDS MOTHER BITCHES!"

*

No, not seriously, Owen! When is Harley ever willingly serious? It is patently ridiculous, and that's the point.

It's not a planned or timed out approach, but the blonde does stop in her exaggerated, swaying step as Deadpool goes barreling by in his truck.

Loudly.

Fortunately for her, she has absolutely no idea at all that Mercer's dropped onto the top of that careening vehicle, and so she just waits for everything to go bumper cars before chirping into the air, remarking to no one in particular, "Well, that'll make things easy!"

Because now there's a distraction, and she can try to get to the other truck before anyone else. To that end, Harley picks up the pace and breaks into a dash to filter in at a safe distance behind the Deadpool's truck.

*

The delivery truck arrives. And then another. And another. Instead of one single large truck it appears that the shipments are coming in from multiple smaller delivery vans. Within a few minutes five of them are lined up in front of the warehouse.

But where are the drivers? None of the vans seem to be manned, in a traditional sense. But the doors do open, to reveal… Teddy Bears?! Oh, yes my friends. Straight up fuzzy, walking Teddy Bears with little bowties and smart little bowler caps. They tumble out of the drivers seat in unison and make their way back to the back hatch of their respective vans. They seem wholly unaware of the large mac truck barreling down at them at first. But then they do that creep doll thing where their heads swivel the wrong way. And they all shoot spikes out of their mouths, spraying down in front of the on coming truck to blow out it's tires. The truck goes careening far afield, but smashes through one teddy bear and it's deliver van, both of which go flying and smash into a nearby building exploding and catching fire.

Owen on top of the tractor trailer now barely has time to register that Deadpool's plan involved not using the truck to haul goods, but to smash them is thrown from the top of the trunk and rolls into an alley somewhere off to the side, groaning.

The other bears seem unperturbed by the truck and the loss of one of their own. They open back hatches and soon enough the boxes are being unloaded, both by the bears, and by drones that were apparently in the back of the vans for this purpose. As they approach the main warehouse, the large door sliiiiiides open.

*

Deadpool has no idea if the truck is going to crash or what but he's hopping out with the severe quickness. And the moment his feet hit the ground and he sees a bunch of Teddy Bears he's freaking the freak out.

"OH MY GOD! THEY ARE SO CUTE!" Deadpool reaches back into the truck and grabs a cartoonishly huge net, complete with stick-handle and everything. "Harley's going to love these!" Deadpool has no idea she's around because he's too busy paying attention to the Scare Bears.

"They're cuddly! They're deadly! Here come the Scare Bears!" Deadpool crafts a very horrible jingle for these things and takes off running towards the nearest one (that didn't explode) with his net ready for swiping.

"Behold! The Power of Funicello!"

*

"Harley's gonna like what?" The question lifts into the air, even as the clown in trucker-is clothing quickly skids to a halt. Out of a shoulder holster hidden under her vest, she's hauled her shiny steel revolver out.

Her darkly framed eyes look to the idea of drones underneath the brim of her baseball cap, and she snaps her gum a little harder as she starts thinking and training that revolver on any bit of stuffing that thinks about getting too close. "Because I don't usually like drones!" she calls out for Deadpool's benefit. "Jes' in case ya were wonderin' what to get me for Chanukah: not drones."

Another pause. "Unless it was, like, a themed drone. Do they make those? Like, one that looked like some giant sugarplum fairy might be kinda funny. Or, Oh Em Gee, maybe one that you could totally dress up like a flying carpet and ride?! I COULD BE LIKE THE CLOWN VERSION OF ALADDIN AND IT WOULD BE AWESOME. NEVERMIND. I WANT A DRONE!"

To let off some of her over-excitement, she takes a shot at something close by and wastes a bullet as she belts with her right arm swinging theatrically wide afterwards, "It'll be a WHOOOOOOLE NEW WORLD!"

*

The newly christened Scare Bears all turn their heads only to face Deadpool as he charges with net. The boxes they are holding are dropped in unison, though not a single one hits the ground. Instead a swarm of small dragonfly drones attach to float the boxes towards the warehouse. The nearest bear flips it's head back, hinged at the jaw to loose a flamethrower stream at Deadpool. The next bear flips it's lid as well, but instead of fire, a stream of smaller bears sprays out. A ridiculous amount of 6" high fuzzy teddy bears, with matching bowties and hats and razor claws and teeth flows out smothering Deadpool in a swarm of biting, cutting and hugging.

Owen meanwhile manages to make it to his feet and blearily stumble towards the goods. A couple razor boomerangs later and he manages to drop at least one box. The drones that were carrying it reduced to sparking scrap metal. But that's as far as he gets before another bear reaches out to hug him. Except it more shoots it's paws on whip like tendrils with razor claws for this 'hug'. Owen jumps back to dodge but is wrapped up all the same. He rolls around ensconced in robo-bear tendrils.

There is some very manly screaming involved. "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

The last teddy bear notices Harley by the entrance. WHen she shoots, the bullet goes straight through the bear with little resistance, but likewise doesn't do much to slow it down. It bounces towards her, literally bouncing, gaining speed as it goes. By the time it is near her, it looks to flatten her with it's next bounce.

*

"There is a significant lack of information in this… " Taskmaster mumbles to himself before he is spamming skulls and "B ther soon noobs" The app, encrypted and likely ran through the Unternet goes Darkweb+, good for these sort of operations and get togethers.

Despite saying he would be there, 'soon' he is not. The skull clad merc is just now rounding a corner block three streets away in a sedan, it's pace nothing impressive until hes in range to see the fires and flames rising up over one structure, the sounds? Well those come next as his window goes down.

Tactical wear the style of choice tonight, all blues, greys and whites. Form fittedly snugged and decked to the 9s in munitions. Money is calling. Its a sirens call.

*

"OH MY GAWD. IT'S A GUMMI BEAR! I JUST SHOT A GUMMI BEAR, AND NOW IT'S GONNA MAKE ME INTO GUMMI BERRY JUICE." Harley's head sinks down low, and her grin darkens as it pulls to one side and she pulls her revolver up to start shooting. "Or it can try, any—"

The blonde gets distracted for a moment by the manly screaming, and the bullets never actually leave her gun. "B?" Her eyes roll, hard, as she tries to process that particular bit of information. "What the hell?!" And then she gets back to idea of shooting. Hopefully before the bear actually makes contact.

*

Deadpool does his best firebender dance, to no avail as the flame lick and burn at his suit. Even wielding the now flaming net like a hula dancer, complete with a suddenly appeared grass skirt can not seem to stop the flames from burning him. But then ahhh, the sweet relief of being smothered by the biting, clawing grasp of hundreds of tiny teddy bears. It puts out the flames but leaves Deadpool rolling around in a mass of fuzzy pain.

Owen is doing some rolling of his own in the midst of trying to free himself from the tendrils of his huggy bear. He manages to slip the knife out of his ankle holster and roll onto his stomach where he's able to fling the knife with a speed burst at his attackers face. It scores a direct hit! Yay! But the bear doesn't seem to care. Boo. (Boo?)

"This is why I never had teddy bears as a kid! Yer creepy and evil and way too handsy without even takin' me to dinner first!"

owen glances over as he hears Harley's note of confusion. He offers the lamest of waves, his hands mostly pinned to his side. "Uhh.. hey." Awkward.

Meanwhile the combination of dragonfly drones and more traditional quad copter drones are doing an efficient job of loading up the warehouse.

Harley's bouncing bear is not moved by the bullets. It keeps bouncing along and succeeds in smashing down on her. It may be only 4 feet tall, but they're heavy buggers. The only wear and tear from the bullet wound appear to be some sparks shooting here or there, but it's mostly still functional.

And back at the first bear, the one that exploded and lit of fire? Well, it's not down just yet. The fur may be burnt off in some sections, but it's still moving. And it is closest to Taskmaster when he comes on scene. The tips of the digits on it's paws flip open to reveal muzzles. It opens fire shooting fairly good sized caliber rounds at the skull faced merc.

*

The slam of breaks and a drift worthy side skid of that sedan has Taskmaster combat rolling out in to the pavement, towards the Wild Gummi Bear… attack? His slide stops with him landing on a knee and halting, a sidearm drawn and aimed, pointed at the flaming bear-goo pile ten sweeping towards huggy bear.

"What the actual fuck?"

He is struggling at processing this but hes not allowed to stop motion, not when the machine gun teddy is firing a barrage of rounds at him, hammering that car and forcing him to slap on to his stomach, flip over and shield himself with, an actual shield. Arm extending and a bullet parade of his own being pounded off at it. Just why…

*

Harley gets knocked the heck over by a four foot bear while she's busy making the 'really?!' expression at Owen. The distraction doesn't serve her well, and her blue eyes open wide just before impact as it bowls her over and there's a grunt of pain as her bad shoulder hits the pavement and her baseball cap goes flying. And then the clown starts moving in earnest. She's not supernaturally fast like Boomerang, or armed to the teeth like the Taskmaster, but she is particularly agile. And she can, try to use the machine's weight against it to roll herself on top like some freaky crocodile and get free.

*

Slipping his arm under one coil to allow himself to drop a boomerang on the ground, roll over it and pick it up with the other hand Owen finally manages to razor off the tendrils holding him. Once that is done, he's up on his feet and sending an exploding boomerang into his fuzzy assailant. He pauses just briefly for a breath before glancing about at the horrifying pile of writhing fake fur that engulfs Deadpool.

"Gross."

Seeing Harley whumped and Taskmaster pinned down, Owen considers helping, buuuut there's a mission objective and they'll be fine. Probably. He flings an ice-a-rang at one group of flying drones, causing another box to fall to the ground. Seizing his chance he throws the two boxes that he's managed to pry loose into one of the vans and hops in. He swings the van around and heads towards Harley. He slows down enough to toss a yellow tipped boomerang, to her.

"Have a mister zappy… G'luck!"

And with that he's pulling out of there, he's got enough of the loot to claim some of the cash at least.

Harley's move on the bear meanwhile is a success, smashing it's legs as it flips over. It does swivel around to try and grab at her though, not able to bounce anymore but still able to smush her real good with a nice loving hug.

Machine gun the bear continues to lay on the fire trying to keep Task pinned down. Even well placed shots seem to just cause minor sparking and damage to the bear, it continues it's barrage despite taking a few direct hits.

*

"Mercer!" Taskmaster shouts loud but its hard to hear under the gunfire. "You candy ass!" Yeah, guys ditching them. He is largely mad it wasn't him doing the same.

Harley can handle herself, shes got some steam to blow off and the skully merc is… conered down, in need of some space.

The shield is kept in front of him as he takes aim on the bear, ten reaches behind him to grab a knife, carefully tethering a grenade to it he swings hard, pin loose once its full out.

If successful, well hes already planning to run, he maybe will help Harley but… then, this looks a bust as the package is out the door…

*

She. Is. Going. To. Kill. Mercer.

As Quinn stays on top, she turns her revolver around and starts using its steel handle to bludgeon her attacker. But then? Then Owen actually does her a solid… Well, a half solid? What is it when it's really more like a mushy pity gift because he's the first one out the door and he's abandoning you to the Disney Channel rejects?

Whatever. She'll figure that part out later, because she's nabbing the boomerang and trying to shove it into a place like an electrified knife. Because what the heck does she know about using a boomerang, anyway?! Clearly, this is a bludgeon / knife thing in her hands.

And unlikely to end well.

*

Oh no. That is not what you are supposed to do with Mr. Zappy the shock boomerang. Because the thing about boomerangs is they are supposed ot be thrown. But so long as Harley doesn't activate the switch it will act like a decent bludgeoning tool. If she does activate the switch and keeps holding on to it? Well, it will go poorly.

Owen drives off, though he at least feels a little bad about it? He checks his app and finds instructions to drop off the goods and hopefully get at least partially paid, even if he didn't make off with as much as he had hoped.

Tasks' grenade is much more effective at disabling the flaming bear. It sends chunks of burnt fur covered robotics in all directions.

The flying drones are still unpacking three vans, loading the boxes into the warehouse which is wide open. Though there are a few suspicious cameras and devices arranged around the door. (It's a laser trap for anything non-robotic trying to enter).

Deadpool meanwhile is still under the blanket of tiny biting, scratching, hugging, licking(?) bears that cover him like a entirely.

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