Have Mercer

June 09, 2018:


Suicidal Safehouse #495

Shhhhhh! It's a Secret. In Cleveland.


NPCs: Fodder Gunmen

Mentions: Harley Quinn, Amanda Waller, Ellie (Deadpool's Daughter), Cable


Mood Music: Shake It Off

Fade In…

It's late. The DEO secret base that is securely hidden in an warehouse park in the suburbs of Cleveland is nearly quiet now. The day shift is over and the crew that is left is mostly security, a few analysts working on issues in other timezones and a handful of operatives.

One of these operatives just so happens to be Owen Mercer. The ginger haired man is doing paperwork. Well, actually he swearing and gesticulating like a crazy person about why he is the one filling out these reports. Eventually he gets around to actually writing something down but it's mostly just lewd limericks about Amanda Waller. They can make him do paperwork, but they can't make him do it well.

Seated in a conference room of sorts with a cup of coffee in front of him, Owen looks very much the special agent part. He's in a para military outfit of sorts in all black. Not even allowed the dignity of a cigarette he instead has taken to chewing on a pen. It helps, but it's a poor substitute.

"Avon calling!"

How Deadpool managed to get this close to the building that he's not supposed to know about is probably something that should be taken up with the people that are supposed to be on guard. If there were some people that were on guard, they are definitely dead by now. This, of course, leaving the Despicable Deadpool with enough room to waltz up to the front door like a man that doesn't really have anything to lose.

Least of all, his life.

Decked out in his normal outfit with more pouches than he should have. He's been hanging around with Cable so he's down with the pouch sickness at this point. He's freaking infected by the looks of it. He's still armed to the gills with guns and swords and it looks like he's actually carrying an Avon travel bag. The pink really does go with his outfit.

Deadpool's not sure how close he's going to get before people start trying to pick him off but it doesn't actually matter. These four inch pumps he's rocking make his thighs look spectacular. This slow motion walk of an entrance is worth it.

The claxons screaming alarm would you think be out of place for a secret facility. But in reality they are attuned in such a manner to specifically cover the automated gun fire. So much automated gun fire. The security system has activated, almost as if it were specially tuned to murder door to door makeup sales women or sales men or sales people in some sort of half costume, half pouch, half drag. It's a very specifically tuned security system is what I'm saying.

Deep below Owen's teeth crunch satisfactorily through the pen at the sound of the alarm. The satisfaction is short lived as it sprays blue ink over his face and super tough guy looking uniform. Thankfully the uniform is ink resistant, but his skin less so. And so looking like a kree cosplay gone horribly wrong Owen makes his way towards the intruder alarm along with a handful of security.

Security is all business in that very specific way where they are talking on comms and using cool sector names and loading firearms while running. Owen meanwhile is walking slowly, stopping now to light a cigarette considering the alarms are already firing and he really could care less. But he still makes his way towards the commotion because maybe it's like a super powered alien who is going burn everyone to death. It's better to find these things out sooner rather than later. Usually.

Deadpool's model walk might as well be to music with the way he's strutting his stuff towards the building's entrance. He's got his Avon bag full of Mary Kay products and even takes a moment to stop, grab his compact, powder his masked nose and then tosses the compact over his shoulder as he gets back to his walking.

The Mean Girls inspired riff plays in the background as well. Inspired because Deadpool definitely doesn't want to have to shell out more money than he's already having to. Being sued sucks!

The reason why it's taking Deadpool so damn long to get to the building's doors is because this idiot is actually walking in slow motion. That's right, where there would normally be some kind of cinematic powers to make this a reality, Deadpool has decided to go he low budget route and makes his walk as slow as possible. Because that's exactly what the public wants to see. Y'know, until DP2 leaves the theaters (Sad Face!) and is released on Blu-Ray/DVD Combo Pack (YAY!).

"HEEEEEY MRS. WAAAALLLLLEEEEEEER!" The Menace with a Mouth is back at it again with the pop culture references.

The gunfire from the security system continues in steady streams of automated fury, trying to take down this would be solicitor. But like nearly all guns when pointed at a player character they are woefully incapable of bringing down their mark. The automated system is shut down and the siren temporarily ceased for a voice to come over the loudspeaker. No, it is not Amanda Waller. It's the acting head of security, Jim.

"This is a secret- err secure facility. You are trespassing and will be shot if you continue. Turn around and leave now."

Of course threats of being shot would be more threatening if the guns hadn't just fired off hundreds of rounds of ammunition at someone purposefully walking in slow motion in heels without actually hitting him.

Coming into a security booth so that he finally can see what's going on. Owen tilts his head and looks at the grain footage. It takes him a second but then he asks, "Isn't that the guy from the youtube ad? Something like Deathstone? Or Deadhead? …" He trails off not adding, the one who wanted to get Harley's number.

The response from the other members of the security in the booth are mostly, "Maybe?" or "Why are you smoking? You can't smoke in here?" or "Why is your face blue?" or "Can you not sit in my lap?" But Owen is quite sure and so he pushes the comm to talk.

"Quiet Jim. No one cares. Yo. Internet famous guy! What you want with Waller? She's not home."

"It's-a me! Lou Albano, Jr!"

Deadpool drops his Mary K. Avon bag and it clunks around with the sound of weaponry, gadgetry and joy buzzers. Definitely no make up in that bag. And it's also in this moment that things become very much clear of what has happened. See, it's so much more cinematic when the automated guns stop firing and Deadpool stops slo-mo-ing to show the effects of what happened.

Deadpool looks like Swiss Fuckin' Cheese. Pepper Jack flavored.

Blood just pours out of the riddles of holes that are in his body, his suit and pretty much all over him. He's still standing. He's still strong. And he's still about to make his conversation with these people inside the building that he needs to get inside in order to get the information he's been wanting to get for eons. Or something.

"Weeeeelllll. I /was/ here because I came bearing gifts for the sexiest mamacita in clown make-up since Heath Ledger and according to +Faction she's down with the Suicide Squad. SO! I figure Wally World can give me her deets. BUT!" Deadpool looks down and motions at all the holes in his suit and pouches and the blood and oh mel gibson is that pace picante sauce? "I'm gonna' need help with this dry cleaning! I just desc'd this suit!"

What the hell even is he even talking about even?

Security just stares at the carnage. They start to react with confusion, and at least one person actually throws up. Okay, FINE, Owen throws up if you want to get really specific about it. He just wasn't expecting that much blood. And he has a weak stomach. And he's been pouring whiskey in his 'coffee' but forgetting to fill it with coffee and also forgetting to eat.

Composing himself, but then getting distracted by the fact that his vomit is very blue, Owen pushes the button again. "Are you a zombie? Because you're awfully chatty for someone with that many bullet holes. Also I think I'm supposed to tell you that we have armed guards who are about to come try and murder your ass. But that seems like a terrible pla-"

Here Jim reasserts his authority, "Shut up Mercer!" Hmm, that seems awfully unprofessional to bicker over comms. "Whoever you are, we are preparing to-" And just then the doors open with heavily armed security guards coming out, opening fire on the already severely aerated would be infiltrator.

And behind the very professional members with guns is suddenly Owen Mercer. Upstairs far away one second and then suddenly not. Standing there, blue ink stained face, cigarette back between his lips, he states. "Why would be open the doors? That seems like the worst possible idea. I mean really open the doors that we don't want him to get past just so we can shoot him some more? I… this is like one of my plans but seeing from like a normal person's perspective." He takes a drag off his cigarette. "Wow." Yes, he just blew his own mind.

"Well! I never!"

Deadpool tosses his nonexistent hair and for the katanas on his back. There's a quick shot of the unsheathing because the sound effects added in post always make it sound so much cooler than it does when its happening real time. However, there's nothing that can't be dramatically as cool as the deflection twirling that happens with incredible speed as he knock away bullet after bullet after bullet after bullet after you probably get the idea.

"Hit it, Taylor!"

Shake It Off by Taylor Swift rises in the background (and that might actually be Taylor Swift performing in a cage in he far background of the shot. She may or may not be attached to a ball and chain. The pan back to Deadpool is so fast that the Easter Egg's going to be hard to catch. You might have to look it up on YouTube later.

Deadpool gives up on knocking the bullets away because the soldiers have gotten to their marks and he grins as another pair of bullets speed into his chest and out of his back.

"Shooters gonna' shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot…" Deadpool rushes for the gunmen.

"Katanas gonna' slice slice slice slice slice…" Wade's katanas start going through bodies like an action packed teaser trailer for a rated R superhero movie that's still in theaters right now.

"Deadpool is gonna' kill kill kill kill kill…" Bodies start dropping as Deadpool gets closer to his doorstination.

"But Shake It Off! Shake It Off!"

The choreography is vicious and bloody as Deadpool quite literally cuts the competition down to size.

Unperturbed by the violence now, or at least not throwing up again at the sight of fountains of blood spraying like loosely held hoses, Owen continues to smoke and watch.

"Uhh. I think I'm required to say that you're not allowed in here? But really /my/ only rule is that you're not allowed to murder me." Here Owen looks down at the other men and asks them as they lay dying. "Really? I thought you were better than that? I mean he took you down with a sword." Owen should probably feel bad but he's a bit lacking in sympathy just now.

Turning back to Deadpool, "So besides giving Waller a fabulous makeover, which sadly is not going to happen tonight… What are you doing here? We're outside Cleveland. Which kind of pisses me off that we're not even in Cleveland. It's insulting that this city is allowed suburbs. And why is there music..?"

"Swift Happens."

Deadpool shrugs at the readers of this log before turning his attention back to the remaining gunmen that are standing between himself and the entrance where Owen is. Both swords get thrown. Throats get sworded. Blood. Death. Mayhem. It's all the rage.

Deadpool straightens up and high steps the rest of the way towards the doors, not even pausing to look as he reaches for his swords and puts them back where they belong. The sashaying is top notch.

"Listen here, Boomerang Banzai, I need Waller's home address so I can get this care package to Harley 'Rev me Up' Quinn." Deadpool is still bleeding so this may not look as intimidating as the wants it to but whatever. "So. You've got until I get back up to give it to me or we're going to have one seriously hilarious problem."

Deadpool immediately drops to his knees and grabs Owen's leg.


Owen's eyes narrow at the non response of why there is music playing but he doesn't pursue it, realizing that will likely not be fruitful. ALso there is sudden sword throat gouging that distracts him. He is about to speak again but then Deadpool calls him by name, well somewhat by name.


But then he's further bringing up Harley and Owen's confused questions continue with:

At the knee grabbing, especially with all the blood covering Deadpool, Owen has hit a limit. He kicks at him to try and free his leg.

"Wait .. you just murdered all these idiots to get Harley's address? You.. " That's really screwed up but kind of in line with some of Harley's other suitors besides Owen. He sighs, "Look. I will get whatever package to Harley. Assuming it's not a bomb or … I can't even venture a guess. But if it has a less than 10 percent chance of killing her, then okay." He frowns momentarily, "I think she'd be okay with those odds."

"Wait. Who's tits? Harleys or Amandas?" No judgement. Just clarifying.

"… Oh. OH! You're 'THE MESSENGER'. It all makes sense now."
Deadpool hops back up to his heels and starts dusting himself off. There's blood splattering everywhere and he even reaches up to smooth the top of his mask out. As if it were hair. It's so weird. It's really weird.

It's Deadpool.

"No wonder they kept telling me not to shoot you. Huh." Deadpool shrugs and skips (yes, in heels, bite me Bryce Dallas Howard) back over to his Avon K. Mary bag and scoops it up, spins and saunters back over to Owen. "Nothing in here that's dangerous. Except for some Glamour Shots of moi. There's a couple extra 8x10s in there if you want one." The masked mouthy one probably winks. There's enough movement in the eye of the mask to make it obvious.

"But do not take any of the joy buzzers! Those were handcrafted with love a care by a one Kevin McCallister."


Deadpool's masked eyes go wide for a moment and he pulls up the sleeve on his suit, checking his Power Rangers Watch. "SHIT! I gotta' run. My daughter's recital is tonight and I'm picking up the scones for the Moms!" Deadpool turns and starts to run away. "Ciao, Bangarang! Text me!" And with that, Deadpool hits the button on his teleporter as he leaps into the air, twirling and yelping as he's BLIP'd! right out of frame!

And lo' and behold, on Owen's leg, in Deadblood, are Deadpool's digits. And a heart emoji.
Attached to a pen—


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