Pie-a-rangs? No. Pie-zooka

January 01, 2018:

Owen breaks into Stark Labs to make all sorts of weird $^*@. Tony catches him but can't help get sucked into helping design the best possible cream pie bazooka AKA pie-zooka.

Stark Labs

Characters

NPCs: JARVIS

Mentions: Luke Cage, Harley Quinn, Batman

Plot:

Mood Music: AC\DC Thunderstruck


Fade In…

Imagine Billy Zane announcing: "IT'S A MONTAGE! … it's a montage …"

It starts with a whiteboard and a bottle of Jack, like all terrible plans. Maybe some good plans start this way, but Owen Mercer wouldn't know, all of his plans are terrible. Sure some work, but that does not make them good. Take for instance his latest scheme to find a place to build some new gear. On the whiteboard are the following options and notes:

STAR Labs: Weak sauce. B- junk at best.
HAMMER: Gross. &^#@ No.
KORD Industries: Hahaha! No j/k
Wayne Enterprises: Tempting.
Stark Labs: !!! WINNER !!!
LexCorp: Yea, no. Let's not die.

Smash cut to the following short scenes:
* Owen meeting with some shady looking peeps to buy some tech out of the back of a van.
* Owen flirting with a lab tech in a coffee shop across the street from Stark using said stolen tech to deftly scan and analyze her security badge.
* Owen trying on a variety of mustaches for disguises. Okay, mostly for fun too. He should grow a sweet handlebar 'stache.
* Owen putting on shades and a ridiculous fake mustache ala Beastie Boys "Sabotage" video along with a UPS uniform to do a walkthrough of Stark labs. The clipboard and awkward shorts in winter really sell it.
* Owen drinking and watching video of his walkthrough and drawing layouts and notes.
* Owen laboriously creating his own set of credentials and ID for Stark Labs, with his photo and "his" name: Luke Cage
* Owen practicing his Luke Cage impression in a mirror, not that it matters, it just cracks him up to say his deepest voice "I'm Luke Cage."
* Owen smoking on a rooftop while watching security shifts and which lights are on at various times of night.
* Owen again in UPS costume making a delivery of a few crates to a lab all marked 'HAZARDOUS! Do not open!' or some such.
* Owen sketching out a series of ridiculous things that has to do with baked goods, broad swords, bazookas and boomerangs.

And cut to the current day, err.. night. It's 2AM, who is blaring AC/DC "Thunderstruck" in one of Tony's labs. Well, obviously it's Owen but let's pretend we don't know that yet. The window on the door of lab 33A is blacked out for privacy. Its sole occupant is currently jamming out to the sweet guitar intro chanting along with "Thunder!", unaware of much else. The music is coming from two floating spinning discs, which upon closer inspection are in fact boomerangs, just spinning in air and circling around Owen maybe ten feet in the air.

The rest of the lab is in a state of disarray. There are the crates from earlier, now cracked open with their contents strewn about haphazardly. One corner of the lab has a few mannequins setup, at least two of which appear to be charred and burnt quite badly. One has a sword stuck unceremoniously through its face, as if thrown with great force. There are stacks of what look like bakery boxes on one table, two large sheets of schematics are taped to one wall. A large digital clock counts down on another surface. None of the high-tech holograms or integrated diagnostic tech is being used. It's like someone took a Ferrari on a go-kart track.

While Owen gets into the music he finishes a weld on what look like a sleek pair of black gloves. Slipping them on, he powers them up and hesitantly makes a raising motion with his fingers, palms up. The music grows louder. "Sweet!" He exclaims and tries the reverse, palms down fingers shushing and the music indeed goes down. Now for the true test. With only his right hand, he makes a motion that looks like he's holstering a gun. And sure enough one of the spinning boomerangs returns to him… a little too fast. It buzzes his head and smashes into the wall behind him, shattering. "Well crap." Owen powers off the gloves and removes them to make some notes and try to recalibrate some things. But first he pours a bit more of the bottle of Jack into a red solo cup and takes a good size swig.

*

HOURS AGO!

Tony Stark was sitting in his private lab. Not the normal one. Or that other one. But the one that no one really knows exists. The one where he works on his fun stuff. The one full of secret passages and tech that he /really/ shouldn't have that he's 'borrowed' from other places.

He sat there. Looking at a computer screen. Sipping a irish coffee. "So," This is said as if he had asked this before. "Luke Cage. Was wearing delivery shorts. In winter."

JARVIS' voice fills the room. A long sigh. "Yes, sir."

A nod towards a monitor. "Thats totally not Luke."

"No, sir. Shall I call Miss Potts and have security throw him out."

Tony Stark pauses a moment before shrugging. "No no, I wanna see where this goes."

So he had let it go on. All the moving and the horrible mustaches and…and honestly he had totally forgotten about it for a few hours while working on something else.

It was only when he had finally wondered out of his private lab to find something to eat. That's about when he heard the glorious strands of AC/DC coming from a lab that he didn't remember going too. Slowly his head turns, a brow raises. Then he shrugs and opens the door.

The volume is acceptable. By acceptable he means loud.

Eyes sweep the mess of equipment there before they settle on the man pouring Jack with a smirk. "Luke!" He suddenly calls out, intent on surprise. "You got smaller! And paler than the last time I saw you!"

*

The Luke Cage part was way funnier in his head than when it comes out of Tony's mouth. Owen doesn't look up from his writing at first, wanting to at least get those last few notes jotted down. The gig here lasted about 3 hours longer than he expected. And in truth he didn't expect Tony Stark himself of all people to be the one to bust him, but oh well. When you're so used to getting beat, you roll with the punches.

Turning to face the owner of the building he is currently squatting in he smiles his best broad grin and says "Tony! Glad you could make it. I've decided to stop living the lie and come out as a skinny white dude. It was hard, but I trust you'll support me." Flipping another cup over without having to look, he half turns to pick up the bottle of Jack. "Can I get you a drink?" He is already pouring though, not waiting for an answer.

It gives him enough time to look over his notes and the things he brought, wondering what he's going to be able to get out of there and what he can leave behind.

*

"Oh yeah, totally texting him that." Tony drawls as he walks in, as he does so it's obvious that he's wearing a pair of gauntlets. Rull elbow length Iron Man systems, silver of unpainted metal gleaming in the lights of the lab. His head tilts to one side even as Owen starts to poor.

He can't help but smirk.

"Sure. Why not, I'm going to assume it's my Jack anyway. Found the cabinet in the corner I hide from Pepper did you?" He asks with a smirk.

A pause.

"So…" A longer pause. "…why don't you try again on the introductions. Though you seem to already know who I am so that makes it half done already!"

His eyes scan the room though, flickering from one mess to the other. Trying to figure out if it's just parts being taken, or if there is proprietary tech being stolen, or if he just broke in to use the tools…

*

With his back turned temporarily to Tony, Owen at least let's his eyes narrow just a bit when thought of texting Luke comes up. He has his best fake smile back on though when he is turning back and handing the cup to Tony. Not offended at being accused of drinking the man's booze Owen does clarify. "Actually, I buy wholesale now. Saves me a bunch." Luke really should have thought twice before allowing Owen to order on behalf of the bar. He is paying for it, and the volume is a blip compared to bar consumption, but still.

At the part about doing introductions, Owen concedes and says "Owen." Indicating some fine lines on his face, which appear to have some sort of electronic node on the end of each, he asks "Does that mean your AI hasn't been able to run my face through facial analysis? Because I'm trying out this new face blur tech, and that would be awesome if you didn't know the answer already..?" Does he know? Owen can't tell. If the tech is working well, his face is being obscured. It's like a mask, without having to wear a mask. As per his conversation with Luke the other day.

"I was hoping to get this to work for actual Luke. Maybe embed it into something more wearable. Like a fancy tiara."

The lab is indeed just being used as a workspace, not being pillaged. There is some 'Stark' tech, but in reality it's Taiwanese knock offs of Chinese knock offs of stolen Russian plans bought out of a back of truck by Owen ahead of time. Owen brought all his own supplies, he just needed the measurement instrumentation and tools for the most part.

*

"Do you really think you could get him to wear a fancy tiara?" Stark can't help but smirk at the bare idea of what that might look like. "That would be amazing. Looking all serious with something like that on…"

A pause again before he grins towards the man and shakes his head. "JARVIS oh he could break though it. Not everywhere could though, I decided to be ask first though…" Stark starts to stroll through the mess. Touching this, picking up that. A pause as he swings back towards Owen.

"You know there are other places to go if you need a workshop. I mean no /better/ places but other places. Other places you could even have broken into! If you're into that sort of thing-"

A pause then as he glances back towards the man with the booze. "Wait, you made the face-mask tech you're using?" A quirk of his eyebrows. "Just came up with it on the spot?"

*

"Yes." Owen is full of confidence that he could get Luke to wear a tiara. It's all fake confidence, there is no way that would happen but it's hilarious to think it would be easy. "Well, maybe." He concedes that part.

Not really disappointed that the tech wouldn't hold up to Stark's, Owen shrugs it off. He nods at the point about other places. "Yea, I was considering that. But I was hoping to figure out more about the design on these things I picked up.." Here he switches on his glove again and makes the same holster motion. Knowing it is going to come in way too hot he has to blur just slightly to pick it out of the air. "I'm modifying your hover tech with some of … someone else's gravity kit I use to make these recallable."

When asked about the face-mask, he grimaces, "No. Not quite. It's a combination of shit I've picked up. But, it's all for other purposes. Hacking security feeds. Projecting holograms. Just kind of… mixed?" Owen isn't a scientist. He can't explain why the theories behind why stuff works necessarily, he's just gotten good at making it do other things too.

*Beep* *Beep* Owen's face falls. "Crap. I'm gonna need you to uhm..? Duck? Unless uhm… Aww, fuck." Owen ducks down in time for an explosion to rip through one of the mannequins and send out chunks of … pie? Realizing this might be a step too far, Owen can't help himself from laughing at how tits up this night is going.

*

Stark raises a brown in question. "You just sort of mashed it all together and it…actually worked?" The man asks with a curious look. I mean he knows people with six degrees that can't do something like that. But…this guy did. It seems.

JARVIS has been running the name Owen though facial matches for a while to try to build a profile on him. Tony, being Tony, has been reading on and off what information he can glean.

There is a glance at the boomerang…wait. Is that a boomerang.

"Wait wait did you actually break into my building just so you could make flying throwing things?" Stark asks as he turns back towards Owen after a moment and…

"Wait what?"

*BOOOM*

JARVIS would have warned him of physical danger…and in fact a shield of solid light seems to be projected from one of the forearm pieces to catch any actual damageing shrapnel.

…but…not the pie.

Which are now covering half of Stark's face and body.

"…and blow up pie. Apparently you /also/ wanted to blow up pie." A pause. "Blueberry?" An even longer pause. "I'm gonna need that drink now. And a towel."

*

Trying to compose himself before he stand back up Owen still has a pained, trying not to smile look on his face. When he sees that Stark has been pied, he actually has to bite his lip to keep it together.

"There is a *very* *dumb* explanation for that." Owen says in reference to the pie, "And it involves a girl."

Which is not to say he's going to get into it. He picks up the cup from earlier and checks to make sure it's free of pie fragments before handing it over.

"Boomerangs. Yup. It's a … thing." Looking at Tony, he can't help but push his luck. He selects a specific boomerang from the table and flicks a switch before saying "See?" And tossing it to circle the room and come back. See what…? Yea, that was the slightly more subtle equivalent of someone snapping a pic of a celebrity, only this one involved a 3D panorama of pie covered Stark. If he manages to make it out with one thing, that boomerang is now the prime objective.

"But usually with more tech added for like exploding shit, burning shit or creating localized gravitational fields to suck shit in. Also. I had to make a flaming sword." None of these add up to good reasons to break into Stark's lab mind you, unless you are in Owen's head, which is not recommended.

*

"I've found," Stark says as he picks up a towel from a workbench in one hand and the offered cup with the other. "That most dumb expliatnions have to do with a girl. The prettier the girl the dumber the explanation." The inventor replies as he idily watches the boomerang circle him…

"If any of those pictures show up on the internet I will end you." He adds casually as he starts wiping his face off.

He's still got blueberry everywhere else.

"Alright Captain Throwing Stick. He says with a smirk. You're getting your power-to-weight ratio on the hover-tech slightly off. Thats whats causing the fast spin…" A tilt of his head. "…wait. This…is really you're thing. I mean really. You make boomerangs that do…things?" A beatpause. "I gotta give ya credit for running with a little used theme."

*

Chuckling at the part about dumb explanations, Owen merely nods. He has done far dumber things than break into a lab for a girl.

"Agreed." Owen quickly agrees to the terms of getting to keep the photos, again not surprised that he's not pulling one over on Stark.

"Yea. There are reasons. They're boring. Plus this way I get the joy of everyone looking at me like I've got three heads everytime it comes up." Glancing down at his notebook, he kind of half nods to himself realizing that of course Tony can debug his issues on sight.

"Explains why the sword works better right now. I thought it was it was the lack of rotational force or maybe placement?" Here Owen side steps clear of Tony, to call back the sword stuck in the mannequin's head. It does indeed come back much more expectedly and smoothly.

"I actually thought of encasing myself in a metal suit with energy weapons, but it turns out that was taken. Sadly all that was left for themes were boomerangs or poodles. I tried the latter, it didn't pan out. Poor dogs." Here Owen takes a mighty gulp of his drink with his non-sword hand, as if to honor the fallen(?) poodles.

*

"Taken like twelve times over. I mean come on, armored suits are so last year." Stark replies with a wave. "And dogs are not aerodynamic at all. I mean trying to make one come back while flying? I think Superman is the only one thats figured that one out and thats cause he cheats and has a superdog."

Alright, he can't help but like this guy. He's got moxie. "You know I still should have you thrown out." He says after a moment as he glances at the sword and the boomerangs. "But you broke in just to use my tools. I mean you brought all your own materials. I can't even be mad at that." A pause. "Well maybe a little mad."

A longer pause.

"Alright. I gotta ask. Pie-a-rangs? I mean do you just try to make every possible kind of boomerang? Cause thats Batman levels of out-the-box ideas."

*

"He has a super dog? And people think I take the theme thing too far."

Setting the sword down so that he can pour himself another drink, Owen asks "Mind if I smoke? I'm guessing if the bomb didn't set of a sensor I can get away with a cigarette." He isn't waiting for a reply before lighting up like the irreverent house crasher that he is. This is apparently Owen's way of ignoring the fact that YES, Stark should have thrown him out. Instead he blusters out a "Shh, we're bonding" with a slightly unhinged drunken laugh.

"Pie-a-rangs?" Owen manages to sound insulted. "No. That explosion was testing the best pastry for a cream pie bazooka." He quirks an eye at the batman crack, considering it's not too far off, just on the opposite side of the law. "She's a very special girl. Super hot. Fun as hell. Little scary. Great combination." Little scary is probably underplaying Harley Quinn but Owen hasn't seen much of that side so he gets to pretend that doesn't exist.

"Still playing with time delay pies versus remote detonator."

*

"The thing I've found in the superhero community is that someone will /always/ take it further. And nintey percent of the time the'll be from Gotham. I mean seriously have you seen some of the people Bats has to put up with. I'd be grumpy too if I had to fight someone that wielded super powered condiments."

Tony isn't bothered by the smoke, but there are a pair of tiny drones that seem to be holding miniutre fire extinguishers that are now hovering by the door.

Watching Owen.

Just waiting.

Don't set anything else besides the cig on fire man. Else hell be unleashed.

"Awwww, sounds like true love." He says instead with a smirk as he downs the remainder of his Jack and then slides the solo cup back over for a refill. If he's getting it wholesale Tony doesn't feel that bad.

"Most good ones are a little scary." He adds before he pauses. Backs up. "…wait wait pie-zooka? You're making a pie-zooka? That fires actual explosions." He frowns in thought. "I have no idea what kind of pie crust you would use for that. I mean it would have to stay together well enough in flight to actually /look/ like a pie right…" A longer pause. "…and gel explosive would look like some kind of filling…"

….why is he thinking about this.

*

"The superhero community" heh. Capes. Gotta love 'em. Owen smiles and says "Yea, it's a Gotham thing. We're the best kind of fuckin' nuts."

Pouring another one for Tony, Owen tips just a splash more into his cup.

Once Tony starts talking details of the pie bazooka though, it's game on. "So yes. It has to fire an actual pie. Must be edible. And then have an explosion after. So there is the initial 'Whaaa? It's just pie!'"

Why is some sassy drag queen the voice Owen uses for the person being pied? Oh right, the whiskey.

"And then BAM! So. I was thinking a second pan. Because buying the pies is obviously the way to go. She ain't domestic or shit, she ain't got time to bake all her own ammo. So.." He realizes he's rambling here, but instead of stopping, he leans into it. "I'm thinking the second pan would house the explosive and a possible remote while cradling the standard pie from a bakery."

Exhaling smoke he casts a nervous glance at the drones twitching in wait.

*

Tony seems to ponder this for a long moment as he slams back his drink again before he nods. "Well of course it must be edible! I mean whats the point of a pie thing if its not edible…there has to be a way…" A pause.

Then he slams his hand down on the table. "Gingerbread! You could make the tin out of gingerbread and the whole thing would be edible!"

Now he's standing. "Really thin stuff, like you make the houses out of! That would hold shape…then use…some kind of compressed hair? Gravic field to lop the pies!"

He's rolling up his sleeves at this point, peering at the maniquins.

"JARVIS!"

The disembodied voice comes to the room. Soundly ever so slightly concerned. "…yes, sir?"

"I'm going to need a full test bed. Some range testing equipment. A industrial size oven. Two dozen pies. And the /good/ whiskey for this."

JARVIS…just…sighs…

"…I'll inform Miss Potts you're working late."

A pause. "And get Owen some kind of…I don't know…consultant position so he doesn't have to sneak in anymore. Or wear those shorts."

A glance back at the other man. "Sorry man, you just don't have the legs for it."

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 License