Salute Your Shorts

November 20, 2017:

When an accidental Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., is tested when the heat gets turned up in the kitchen, the response is ter-affic! Get it?!

Midtown Manhattan

Situated between 14th and 59th Streets, Midtown Manhattan is *the* tourist destination in New York City. It is also the largest central business district in America. Most of the tallest skyscrapers in the city can be found here, from the Empire State and Chrysler Buildings to Stark Tower and the Baxter Building. It's also home to Times Square, Broadway, and Fifth Avenue.

In the day, the traffic is non-stop. In the evening, bright neon lights light up the street such that it looks as if the sun simply doesn't set on the city. But, then, there's a reason New York is called The City that Never Sleeps. This, right here, is it.

Characters

NPCs: None.

Mentions: Nick Fury, Captain America

Plot:

Mood Music: None.


Fade In…

Click This: https://youtu.be/1xqMY8UAGgg

You're going to need to listen to that song to understand what's going on with the Inconcievable Deadpool! That's right, the red and black clad bastard ninja reject from Planet Hollywood is doing a twisted combination of dancing and roller-skating down the traffic-filled streets of Midtown Manhattan.

Wait, did we just say Roller Skates?!

That's right! Deadpool is decked out in modified version of his classic attire, the legs of his spandex flavored pants fanning out to creates Poolbottoms. He's added an oversized collar to the suit's neckline. On top of his head is a giant afro wig that's very similar to the one worn by Jan Brady. Around his neck hangs a huge gold chain with a pendant that says: 'MARSHA-MARSHA-MARSHA'. It's custom made.

Now, if we could get back to the pose…

Right! So the reason that Deadpool is skating around with an 8-Track player (with a sticker on it that says: Suck It, Star-Lord) hanging from one of his pouches and a pair of headphones the size of bagels attached to where his ears would be… is the fact that he's also carrying a very large weapon. A weapon that may look familiar to some. But it may also look dangerous to others. Because, y'know, it's spitting fire at whatever car has the audacity to be stuck in traffic and in Deadpool's way.

Yes, kids. You read that right. Deadpool's Armed with… SPACEBALLS: THE FLAMETHROWER.
Deadpool stops skating long enough to hold up the flamethrower and turn to the screens of those paying close attention at home. His mask's eyes widen for just a moment to help with the non-visible eyebrow waggling, "The kids love this one."

There are many pedestrians out this day, as there are at almost any time of day or night in New York City. It's a tourist attraction, and aside from that, it also boasts an absurdly high population density relative to the area the actual city covers. There are always people out.

Further down the boulevard, there comes the sound of a hearty thwhack as one of the many pedestrians drops a shopping bag at the sight of…

What even is that? What do you even call it?

The woman is… not really like the people around her, even though her height and weight both appear to be bog-standard average. Her hair is a vibrant red, worn long and loose, and she's wearing a pretty genuine-looking bomber jacket and jeans. A plaid scarf winds around her neck. And the right side of her face and neck is a mass of old scarring, heavy; they must have been third-degree burns at best. All faded white, all healed, but enough to make the occasional person take pause and look at her again. Oh, and her right eye is just gone. There's a patch over where it should be.

In fact, she was about to turn around and see if her current travelling partner is around, when she spots the flamethrower. If her travelling partner is still there, Sloane would see the change come over Isa — annoyed at first, at this hooligan skating down Manhattan traffic; but the second her eye falls on the flamethrower, her face changes into an expression Sloane has probably never seen on her before — naked terror.

She's staring at the flamethrower, and she's shaking; she looks like she can't decide whether she might like to shoot this fire-wielding figure, or flee in horror. Whatever the case is, she's completely paralyzed; she seems incapable of actually moving into any kind of action, despite cars getting scorched out there and people in the way of that… man's… whatever it is he's doing.

When you enlist in SHIELD, there's a certain expectation of things being a little bit insane. Things that you never expect. Hell, Sloane L. Albright is herself one of those things, considering how many people expect a five-five ginger fish girl from Boston— and no, she does not like chowdah, these days. Dressed to stay warm in the November weather, snug pants and over-the-knee boots paired with a heavy coat make her look more and more like a college student than one of Phil Coulson's newest and brightest.

And so it is with the ironic trucker cap with the mesh backing and the aviators parked on her nose that Sloane tries her best to blend in with others watching a man skate the streets of Manhattan with a flamethrower… by standing there holding a cellphone, recording the entire affair like she's about to upload it to Youtube.

"See the world, he said. Go to exotic locations, he said. Learn how to control your powers, he said." Phil Coulson didn't say /all/ of those things, in truth, but it's a pretty broad 'close enough' in her book— especially while she's watching Deadpool jive and skate and cause one of the most hilarious traffic jams this week.

And it's only a Monday.

Finally, she sneaks forward a few steps, still holding the SHIELD-issue phone as the Inhuman calls out, "Hey! Who's your tailor?"

"TOO FUNKY FOR MYSELF!"

When SPACEBALLS: THE FLAMETHROWER runs out of fuel, it's about the same time that the 8 Track rendition of FIRE by those damn good Ohio Players fades out in his ears. This, of course, causes Deadpool to realize that there's no need for either of those things anymore. So in one full rotation of funk on those skates, Deadpool's Janfro, collar, Poolbottoms, 8Track player and bagel-headphones are all in a pile on the street. The flamethrower gets tossed down on top of it.

"Don't worry. It's only littering if a homeless person doesn't come by and pick it up to cause mayhem and terror everywhere they go." Deadpool gives a thumbs up to people that aren't there and skates off back down the flaming cars, knocking on windows and opening doors.

"Hey! Your car's on fire!" "Get outta' the way, shit for brains!" "Oh my Zod, this is what happens when Johnny Storm jacks one?!" And various other comments are told to random nu-pedestrians thanks to the fires of hell that are burning all around him.

Kicking off his skates once he gets back to his destination, Deadpool hops onto his scooter and starts it up. "And that, ladies and gents, is how you make a traffic jam pun. Toodles!" Another way to the readers at home and Deadpool slow-jets off on his scooter… onto the sidewalk and in the direction of FROZENNE HORROR and VIDEO VIXEN! He even honks the horn on the scooter to make them get out of the way. "EY! OUTTA' DA' WAY! I'M TALKIN' NEW YORKIN' OVA' HEAH!"

The one-eyed pilot has no colour in her face. Her particular brand of scarring already makes it look that way, so she really looks ashen at the sight of that weapon.

Thankfully, the Spandex Skater is honking his horn, and the sudden blast of sound seems to be enough to jar the pilot back to life. She's shaking badly as she ducks to seize her bag of purchases; rather than retreat, though, she maintains a wary distance and stares, baffled, to see what happens next.

"What in hell is wrong with this place?" Isa growls. Her voice is grizzled by smoke and drink; gravelly like a raven's croak. There's something oddly clipped about her words, too. "Sloane, what are you doing? Should do something. Before lunatic really hurt someone," she adds, vengefully.

But like hell she's going to do it, this time. You're up, Sloane!

"Rybka. Can't you just douse him with water?" Isa mutters to her friend, hopefully.

"Yeah, I — Oh /shit/—"

Cars are on fire — CARS ARE ON FIRE, HE HIT CARS — and Sloane finds herself going wide-eyed, her oddly slit pupils pulling into tight lines behind the sunglasses while the stupidity suddenly takes a hard left into insanity … and actual danger to innocent lives.

Sloane steps up, moving off the curb and the sidewalk to step out into the streets, tucking her phone into her pocket. Pulling back her arms, the Inhuman taps into the latent hydrogen and oxygen molecules in the air, pulling the moisture from even the cooler fall weather's air and forming swirls of water in either palm before thrusting her arms out at burning cars to flat-out douse them in enough water to start smothering the flames.

And then, /and then/, she turns to face Skatepool— Deadskate?— Scooterpool?— and then sculpts and forms a sphere of water in her hand, hucking it at the back of the crimson-and-black-clad Deadpool's head.

"HEY! We're not done here yet, you jerkass… jerk!"

Maybe there's a chance to create a bubble of slow motion but Deadpool finds a way to practically dive into the water that's thrown in his direction. He leans into it, showing himself in the wetness and moaning like a porn star in the making. The water drips down his suit and he tosses his masked head back and forth. This goes on for the length of a slow motion close up before Deadpool finally adds a quip in.

"Only you can prevent forest fires. Also, cool shower, bro!"

Deadpool takes his sweet time parallel parking his scooter between a mailbox and a newspaper stand. It's a process that takes longer than it should but when he's done, he hops off and holds up a puppy squeaky toy of a set of keys and makes the, "Boop boop!" sound with his maskd mouth.

"Alright! So you've challenged me, Deadpool, to a fight to the finish! Marvel versus CapCoMux!" Deadpool reaches up to pull out both of his katanas and gives them a bit of a twirl.

"Let's dance." Deadpool frowns and waves the swords. "One sec. That wasn't right." Deadpool clears his throat a couple more times and plasters on his Al Bundy impression, "… Let's dance." Proud of his impression, Deadpool forgets all about the person he's about to fight and congratulates himself on a good first impression.

Cars are on fire, people are screaming and running, and it doesn't seem like anybody's seen fit to call the police or the fire department just yet. There's no sound of sirens.

There is the sound of a gun being pulled from the holster at the small of her back, though. Isa fishes into the pocket of her jeans for her wallet; her SHIELD badge is flashed to whoever's left to notice her ICER pistol.

The weapon is swivelled back around in Deadpool's direction… but Isa says nothing, merely backs up until she's up against a wall, bracing the weapon and waiting.

Sloane can take care of this. Aside from the fact that the man is carrying fire and therefore Isa isn't going to get close to him unless her life depended on it, well… Sloane could use the experience… right? But it's okay, Isa's got her back. Probably.

…Maybe.

Sloane tugs off her sunglasses, though that trucker cap stays firmly parked on her head, pointed ears poking out and ponytail flowing back. She's — honestly a little terrified; she's fought giant suits of armor and ridiculous circumstances, but a guy on the street with swords and ridiculous costume changes /and a flamethrower/ didn't quite cross her mind at the time.

Her eyes are orange— /fiery/ orange. Which goes in sharp contrast to all the iridescent blue scales marking her face and ears and all the parts hidden under layers of cold-weather clothing.

"You're a little old for me," Sloane challenges, building a sphere of water between her hands.

"I'm with SHIELD. This is your last chance to back down before you get stuffed in the hurt locker with the rest of the nerds. In too much red spandex."

"I'm gonna' attack you now. Okay? Kay!"
Deadpool takes off in a violent run towards Sloane with his katanas held in the air like he's about to stab everything that happens to be in his path. Also, he's yelling, "TOOOOOMAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" for some reason. Probably because he couldn't think of a better battle cry at the moment.

He only makes it about six steps, though, before the information catches up to his brain and he realizes what has been said. "Wait wait." Deadpool skids to a halt and drops his swords down at his sides. "You're with SHIELD?" He talks with his hands, katanas in them and everything. He kind of has to. He's wearing a full face mask so he has to emote as much as possible. "Whoa! So am I! Well, I mean, it's not like we're dating exclusively. And sometimes I have to let Captain America take her out for a spin. But Philly C and I take SHIELD out for drinks every month to play Risk!" Deadpool's probably grinning under that mask now. "Oh man. This would've been so embarrassing if I had gutted you like a fish. Hahahaha! So embarrassing."

Deadpool reaches up to wipe his masked brow of sweat that's not there. "So glad I dodged that bull—" Deadpool's masked eyes go all the way wide when he spots Isa and THE PATCH. But mostly THE PATCH. "HOLY FUCKING MOOSE DICK! NICK FUCKIN' FURY?!" Deadpool puts the katanas away with the quickness and starts rushing towards Isa. "ARE YOU FUCKING UNDERCOVER RIGHT NOW?! ARE YOU UNDERCOVER BOSSING ME?!" Deadpool laughs. "Oh shit! This is awesome!"

Isa Reichert stays right where she is, backed up against a building and keeping her pistol aimed at the current Deadpool Debacle in front of her. Her eye flicks from Deadpool to Sloane, as though gauging if she's going to have to deal with this herself. Her fishy friend is good at projecting confidence, and that's great, but Isa herself would as soon be over with this as soon as possible. The man is carrying fire she hates fire it ruined her life

Focus, Yakovleva. Isa sucks in a sharp breath through her teeth, keeping her single blue eye fixed on Deadpool. Her friend she isn't as worried about, but that lunatic stranger is hopping around like he's a clock running on an overwound mainspring. Very overwound. He's suspicious even when he's not moving.

That could be because he's carrying a flamethrower, but you never know.

Slowly, Isa adjusts her grip on the pistol and eyes Sloane as her fishy friend introduces herself, sort of, and warns the lunatic to stop being a lunatic. The gun doesn't move when Deadpool lowers his weapon; it never flinches even when he moves the katanas around, gesticulating and talking like someone might with their hands. Her frown deepens even further as he talks about his own connection to SHIELD, which she doesn't believe for a second. It's something approaching a proper scowl when he jokes about gutting her like a fish.

The safety clicks off with a deliberate motion of her thumb, but before Isa can aim off a shot (harder for her than some people, see) there is a masked maniac invading her personal space. She flinches back only for the building's masonry to bite into her shoulders, holding the gun up and recoiling, along with a spate of rapid-fire Russian. It's probably not fit for reprint, given the strident tone of her voice.

Eventually she remembers that not everybody in this demented city also speaks Russian, and switches over to heavily Russian-accented English, breathing hard in an effort to stand her ground against the lunatic with a flamethrower. It might be easy for those caped chumps, but it's not easy for her. Not when she's so intimately familiar with the flames.

"SHIELD Agent Isa Reichert." That doesn't sound very Russian. At least her voice is mostly level. "Stop moving or I have my friend here restrain you, then I shoot you. Now, you are going to put your weapon down. Now."

Sloane shifts the sphere of water in her hands, preparing herself to deflect the edge of the sword across the scales hidden inside her jacket across the back of her forearm; thinking about her next move, her training, her muscle memory, and then —

'You're with SHIELD?'

'Philly C' — Coulson? Wait, /Coulson/ knows this guy?

Sloane stops short of charging the scarlet sadist; the swords sweeping a little too close to her face than she'd care to admit. She's a little short and a little young for the average SHIELD agent, but her hand dips into the jacket to pull out the identification and snap it open with the same kind of practice and poise expected of any government spook.

Gutted like a fish? Sloane lets a little more of the Boston accent slip out as she replies, "More embarassing if I had to drown you in the East River with the rest of the trash."

Then, Isa— and the Nick Fury crack. Sloane's eyes widen in horror; the sphere of water drops from her hand and splashes out across the street on cue. There's something wrong here— his attitude, the swords, /everything/, he's … got to be Enhanced. There's no way she's not going to have to have a long sit-down with her SO on this one later.

A scaly hand slips to her face. "Holy crap, this guy…"

"Oh! Oh right! Riiiiiiiiight!"

Deadpool is making wink motions with his head even though he can't wink because of the mask so it doesn't really seem to be a wink. However, he's doing that thing where he nods his head like a Power Ranger in a winky-style format and that's all to totally 'agree' with whatever this agent is saying.

"Isa Rekovolov. Right."

Deadpool turns back to Fishy McWaterslide, "It's totally Nick Fury, isn't it? Don't tell me. Spoiler alert!"

Deadpool turns back to Fury. "Listen, Nicky. I've gotta' say, I've seen over three hundred hours of Undercover Boss and this has got to be one of the best costumes I've seen. The eye patch is a dead giveaway but I've got impressive skills of deduction. So that's probably just me being amazing." Deadpool has taken to walking over and sitting on the hood of one of the cars that's on fire. Still.

"Hey, by the way, when we get to the part about where you give me a bunch of free shit because I'm such a hard worker? Yeah. I've got one word for you, Fury." Deadpool leans back against the car and opens his arms nice and wide.

"Unicorn!"

NOW:

"Unicorn!"

It's the season of giving, after all. It's just that not everyone gets what they want under the tree. In this case, just as the Merc With A Mouth makes his wish to his "boss" there's an instant shriek as the universe itself bends to his will. Somehow, somewhere, the rules of the world have broken and Deadpool's desire is coming all in hand, all at once.

EARLIER:

Maybe it's cheating, but she was on the way to meet up with the duo anyway. Celebrating an apartment find, something nice and large with lots of room that's probably far more - and more expensive - than it needs to be, but Family Insisted. And when that happens, Family Gets. Even if it means that Rusalka may only end up the custodian of what amounts to a Stojespal embassy in New York, it's still technically her apartment and by whatever's listening, she's going to celebrate.

That did, of course, mean she caught Sloane's unexpected video stream, and it took mere moments to realize just what kind of terrorist nightmare was going on.

NOW AGAIN:

THEME MUSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bSEfx6D8mA

It just may not be the unicorn he expects, as the rear quarter panel of a one and a half ton Lotus sports car glides sideways like a white and black hammer. The shriek of the universe resolves itself into the shriek of mere (expensive) tires as Sally locks up the front brakes and hammers the gas pedal, sending the engine into a sharp snarl and the rear end around like a haymaker punch - right as the red and black clad mercenary is leaning against the front of a parked car.

In all fairness it's actually a perfect parking job; the engineer-driver intuitively knowing just how much energy to keep in the skid to get the vehicle perfectly parallel parked. It's doubly so a miracle considering how hard parking is to find in this city…though perhaps Flamepool might have helped keep a spot open.

The lunatic isn't listening to a single word. The Russian pilot snarls. Her English can't be that bad, can it? Sloane hasn't complained lately, or maybe the fish girl is just getting used to it. More than that, this lunatic seems to be lost in his own little world, and it runs counter to reality.

That wouldn't be such an issue if the loud unstable guy weren't also waving a flamethrower around rush hour Manhattan traffic.

Also, in spite of evidence to the contrary, he still seems to think that she's Nick Fury. She's never met him herself, but to her vague knowledge, he's not the kind of guy she would ever be mistaken for in this lifetime. (There's a first time for everything, isn't there?)

Maybe he forgot to cut eye-holes in his mask. He's still going on about it, even as she tries to keep up with the situation as it's happening, mostly in the sense of making sure he doesn't permanently ruin some bystander's day.

In fact, she's about to curse him out soundly for his delusion, but before she can do that she hears a faint and familiar sound over the rest of the street's ambient sounds — it's the screech of tires, but more than that, it's the screech of familiar tires. Very expensive, aristocratic tires. Tires that are being driven to their very limit… in her direction.

Oh, that's the Lotus. Coming in her direction. Straight in her direction, in fact. Isa has time for a horrified curse before the car is on her, and the only thing that saves her from a broken everything below the waist is to throw herself onto the hood of the car, going with its momentum as best she can.

Isa sprawls across the hood, and glares into the windshield. She has time only for that brief expression of displeasure before whipping her ICER pistol back around to face Deadpool.

Maybe her brain is still catching up to the absurdity of the situation. She doesn't say anything; just keeps her weapon trained on Deadpool in case he makes a move towards that flamethrower. Also, it is entirely possible she's trying not to suffer a nervous breakdown right now, because she is very slightly Too Old For This Nonsense.

"<Sally Petrovna!>" Oh, look, she found her voice. It doesn't sound very happy. "<What in the hell! Seriously, what the hell…?!>"

Sloane's mouth opens wider; a flash of sharp incisors are briefly visible. Wide eyes are still not quite sure what to make of the man in crimson and black leads to the hand sliding down her face and arms falling to her sides. The sunglasses are opened back up, slipped onto her face while she presses her fingerips together and prepares to interject before Isa lays into the man with a lot of bullets, or her ICER, or — something.

And then, the familiar sound of the Lotus coming peeling in, and Sloane is briefly … nowhere to be found, as she uses her metahuman strength to vault above the car as it comes speeding in at the three of them, though Deadpool is seemingly the vehicle's target. She's ridden in that car more than enough to know the sound of the engine and who might be behind the wheel, though knowing this day it could be a robot Coulson with a machine gun hand or something equally insane.

Dropping back down to the ground in a crouch, arms out to either side, Sloane stands upright and stares at the car, at the chaos, and allows a scale-accented brow to crease up. Suddenly she has to wonder— was she on 'record' or 'stream to SHIELD HQ'? Or was someone else Periscoping this?

"I am never gonna get out from under the paperwork for this," she murmurs to herself. "Hey! Red! … Guy! Who the hell are you?"

Hi. Deadpool's Brain here.

Right now you're probably reading this and wondering what's happening to Deadpool. Well, rest assured that he's moving in slow motion because there's a psycho in a car that's coming at him from out of nowhere. In fact, it's happening with the same slow motion effects that happen in Fate of the Furious. Not the one's in Tokyo Drift. Those were horrible.

Deadpool's probably pushed off the parked vehicle by now and he's likely done the stupidest thing ever… which is stepped in front of the speed-parking vehicle. Some one say it's simple stupidity. Others might say that it's his complete disregard for his own safety or sanity. The crafter of this pose will likely say it has something to do with convenience. Whatever the actual reason, it's become quite clear that Deadpool is deadass in the way.

We now return you to What's Happening With Deadpool.

Deadpool looks up and his mask frowns as he watches the end of the car speeding towards him. He doesn't get the opportunity to notice Isa Fury's epic moves of awesome. He doesn't even get to see Sloane do her cool superheroic crouch thing. He only has time to hold up a sign (don't ask where it was) that says YIPE. Except, of course, the 'I' is actually a middle finger.

"They call me…" WHAM! BONK! SLAMMO! KAPOWIE! ZOOM! TO THE MOON ALICE! Pick a sound effect. All that really matters is that Deadpool gets knocked into the air and he's sailing off towards anything that's not the position he just was. He's sailing higher and higher into the air in comical fashion.

"Nevermind! Here!" As he sails off, Deadpool throws a USB drive, shaped like a Chimichanga, in the direction of those that he just met.

Eventually, Deadpool's body blips out of existence.

Editor's Note: Actually, his teleportation harness activates. BOOMF!

https://youtu.be/zvhmTEA_fxc is what's on the drive. Also: NOC List of HYDRA Agents/Covers. NPCs, of course. >.> It's also Cited: Marvel.wikia

"You're forgetting something."

What?

"… My fee."

They're not going to pay you, Wade.

"But—!"

POSE OVER.

Chaos subsides. Eventually. Meanwhile, Sally just nudges the USB drive with one foot, checking it for…anything. Smoke bombs. Prank weapons. The Second Coming of Tom Cruise. "Should…" A glance at the other two women in the street, before looking back at the car-nage behind them. "Should we…call this in?"

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