Hey, it's Deadpool!

January 15, 2015:

Hal Jordan's going to need some aspirin after this.

Stryker's Island Penitentiar

Metropolis Bay is the site of Stryker's Island Penitentiary, the institution built, funded, and up kept to contain various levels of super-powered villains. It is one of the most maximum security prisons and is nigh impregnable unless you have some very deep connections or some very high tech to defeat what is already present and up kept by Metropolis' own large corporations.

Characters

NPCs: Jurassic_Man

Mentions:

Mood Music: ''Deadpool'' by Julian Soule


Fade In…

"Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to prison I go, I keep on singing all day long, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!" The not quite dulcet tones come from the exterior wall of Stryker's Island Penitentiary, where anyone on the ground would be able to see Wade Wilson, better known as Deadpool, climbing the wall with suction cups on his hands and knee. He also seems to be carrying a duffel bag on his back.

The Merc with the Mouth hasn't been noticed yet. Few people are dumb enough to try and break into a prison, and even fewer would sing as they do it. If the guards are aware of the noise, they probably have laughed it off as a visitor who's enjoying some time outside before or after visiting someone. Oh, to add insult to injury, Wade's wearing a sky blue Hawaiian shirt with a pineapple motif over his uniform as well as some blue swimming trunks.

Once he reaches the top, he'll reach into his belt, where he has some wire cutters dangling and cut a star-shaped opening into the wires. From that point, it's on, and he leaps forward, doing a somersault, and shouting, "Hey, it's Deadpool!"


Green Lantern flies overhead, doing a mild patrol of Metropolis. Sure, Superman does most of that stuff, but he seems to be away for the moment, and, in the meantime, Hal doesn't mind filling in for Big Blue. Frankly, Hal thinks Superman gets a little too much wind up his skirt anyway. He'd been told that Superman didn't get an ego from it, but somehow, he doubted it.

He would certainly get an ego.

As he's flying over, he can't help but noticed the costumed fellow who appears to be breaking into the prison. That's something of a reversal. He banks in and glides down to get a closer look…


Superman doesn't wear a skirt, but Supergirl sure does, and it's for that reason that Deadpool occasionally looks to the sky. "Five million, four hundred seventy-eight thousand, two hundred and thirty-two tries, and five million, four hundred seventy-eight thousand, two hundred, and thirty-two no shows." Somehow, he manages to make a pouting look through his mask. That thing is so expressive. Someone should probably ask him where he gets them, and of course, the answer is Captain Jack's Costume Hut and Juice Bar, down on Byrne Street.

Leaping down from the edge of the wall, he lands on a poor security guard, knocking the guy out, maybe breaking some ribs, but he should live, just not too comfortably. "Oops, sorry about that." From there, he sprints towards one of the doors. It's unlocked from the outside, since the only people who should be in the courtyard are guards. Getting in is easy, it's getting out that's the hard part.


Getting in, of course, gets less easy when a large brick wall of green energy suddenly forms in front of it, sealing off the door entirely as it's flush against the thing. Lantern descends into the courtyard behind Deadpool, his arms crossed over his chest.

"You look like that Spider-Man fella I see in the papers, but he doesn't seem like a guns and swords dude," the Lantern says. "Any reason you're looking to get inside today, pal, or you just wanting to check out the interior so you know what to pack?"


Deadpool exclaims "WTF?" as the wall of green goes up, blocking the door. Turning around to look at the source of the obstruction, he puts his hands on his hips and says, "do you mind? I'm working here. Do I barge into your work with the Seattle Sounders? Of course not! That's soccer, and nobody likes soccer."

As Green Lantern descends and crosses his arm to give Wade a lecture, Deadpool takes off that duffel bag and starts assembling something. "Nah, I'm not Spider-Man. He's a reliable domestic, while I'm a sexy import." He continues to work on the toy. "And you know, it's always nice to check out the future digs before you move in. Gotta know what the view is like, what time does the pool open, how's the food at the commissary, that sort of thing."

By now he's finished with his toy, which is some kind of futuristic ray gun, but it's not aimed at Green Lantern, it's aimed at one of the walls. Rising to his feet, he presses a button on a remote control, and the device rolls forward, the… is that a turret, rotates, and then he presses a button to fire some kind of electric wave, almost like lightning or that cool thing from Ghostbusters, but it blows a nice little hole in the wall. "Did you see that Green Guardian? That was freakin' sweet!"


Green Lantern reseals the hole immediately, a green shimmer stopping it up and preventing any escape (or ingress, for that matter). "I think we probably have different definitions of sweet. Which, hey, to each their own. But I'm probably going to need you to stop doing that. It's gonna make the warden get all cranky, and he's on ten kinds of heart medicaiton as it is. Just put all the fancy toys down, surrender yourself, yadda yadda yadda," he says.


"Would you quit doing that?" Deadpool says angry as he walks up to Green Lantern, "I'm trying to work here! I thought I told you that already?" Then he'll reach out with a gloved hand to gently tap Green Lantern on the head as he angry tries, "No hablar Ingles? Ie hanasun Eigo? No sprechen Englisch? Hello?"

That has to be a first for him. Is there anywhere, in all the 3600 sectors, where someone would actually tap the cranium of a Green Lantern? Sector 2814 baby, because that's how Wade rolls.

Taking a different approach, Wade puts a hand on Green Lantern's shoulder. "Look, someone offered me a lot of money, yacht type money. So I'm going to break out the Jurassic Man. Now, if you want to have a word with the Warden, maybe he could let J-Man go. That way, we wouldn't have to do the Kung Fu Fighting. So how about it, can you hook a guy up?"


OF course, he doesn't actually quite touch the cranium or Hal's skin, thanks to the thin layer of forcefield that lays over the top of him. Keeps out bullets, lasers, knives, and cooties alike. He's mostly concerned about the latter, in this case, but is fairly certain he's still safe. He, of course, understands all the languages, too. The ring does things like that.

"I'm afraid you've made a misjudgement. But, if you would like to do kung fu," he says, and there's a bright flash of green, blinding light that, as it fades, shows the Lantern now floating about twenty feet above the courtyard. "These gentleman will happily oblige." he says.

The courtyard is filled with green-ninjas of various stripes, rattling chains, drawing swords, spinning nunchaku. One of them appears to be a rabbit samurai. Four appear to be turtles. "I don't think your client is paying you enough to deal with me, son."


"Oooh, goody, a fight!" Deadpool looks around at all the pretty ninjas like a smitten schoolgirl, giggling all the way. Then he turns to address Hal, looking up, "Hey, before we start, can you make a 'Round One' appear in the sky like in the Street Fighter games?"

Deadpool will draw his katannas, ready to fight, then abruptly turn his lead. He'll stab one of the katannas into the sand of the courtyard, then press a button on his little remote control. His little proton pack particle accelerator tank thingy will begin to emit music, "Samba de Janeiro" by Bellini!

And then, and only then, will Wade begin to fight, hitting one of the ninjas in the face with the butt of a katana, stick a katanna in the chain of a nunchaku, which makes the other end hit the imaginary guy in the face. Wade is pretty graceful, leaping, diving, rolling, weaving through the green men. And then, when the music drops in part of the song, he stops fighting to shake his hips in tune with the music.

When the song is finished, he'll look up and ask, "wait a minute, did you call me son. Are you my real daddy?"


Green Lantern lets the merc amuse himself amongst the ninja, green energy opponents disappearing in puffs of cartoon smoke and leaving little piles of ash behind. Some of them let out weird little cries, "EEEEEEEEEEEEya!" "BOOYAH" "COWABUNGA!", but most remain silent. Their weapons are even blunted, at a close look, not even designed to cut.

"No. But if we keep this up, that's what you'll be calling me," he says. He snaps his fingers and a ROUND 2 appears in the air as a mass of velociraptors fill the space the ninjas just took up, snarling and screeching…


"Awe, but daaad!" he says, as the velociraptors appear, and he looks down at them. He's not so much terrified as he's surprised, "you're attacking me with prehistoric turkeys?" With a shrug, Deadpool goes to work, kicking one of the little guys who measure only 1.6 feet tall, trying to see if they can fly with those feathers, but alas, they don't.

He won't even bother with the katannas, instead sheathing them so he can fight with his hands and especially his feet. A few of the little buggers try and bite him, but he gets them off. "Hey, Greenie, do you think Jurassic World's going to get these things right?" Though Spielberg called them velociraptors, they were either really large Deinonychus', or small Utahraptors. Velociraptors are more like pedicured turkeys with a dental plan.


Green Lantern watches for a moment as Deadpool slings himself around, punching at the raptors as they scurry and nip at him. Over time, however, he begins to grow bored, 'Okay, Boba Fett, time to start wrapping things up," he says.

The velociraptors collapse, melting and reforming, energy coating the walls of the courtyard, the floor, rising up as teeth sprout, ridges, and, at the centre, a gelatinous, gurgling hole seemingly to nowhere, the whole thing rising, rotating and collapsing in upon itself. From above, Hal easily recognizes his creation for what it is: a Sarlacc Pit. And, at the bottom is a nice stomach pod awaiting Deadpool to be delivered to the nearest form of worthwhile authority.


Worthwhile authority? Deadpool's in a prison, which is currently on lockdown. Everyone's in their cells, and the Jurassic Man has been moved to their maximum security holding cell, with about a dozen armed guards. If Deadpool plans to break him free, the Merc with the Mouth is going to have a hell of a time doing it.

"Boba Fett? I think that mask is making you colour blind. I'm wearing red, r-e-d, red. Fett wore green, just like you. Besides, I always thought of myself more of the Lando Calrissian type. You know, I do bad things to nice people, but it's only because I was forced into it, or I was paid."

"Buuuuuuuuuut, if I've gotta play the role of the Fett man, I'll do it." He takes a step back, and then starts running towards the Sarlacc Pit, leaping, somersaulting, and executing a perfect dive into the mouth," but he never seems to hit bottom. Instead, he uses that nifty teleportation belt of his and he re-materialises in the cell with the Jurassic Man, just like he planned it.

When he appears, he says in an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression that would make Conan O'Brien proud, "come with me if you want to escape."


Green Lantern cocks his head as he senses the spatial distortion caused by the teleportation and frowns.


The Jurassic Man regards Deadpool with suspicion, "who the hell are you," but he takes a step forward anyway. He may not know the guy, may not trust him, but he just appeared in his cell and offered the chance to escape. He's going to take it.

The guy is big, really big, like NBA All-Star big. He looks like some kind of dinosaur version of Frankenstein's Monster, with a body that vaguely resembles a Tyrannosaurus Rex, only smaller. He has a frill like a triceratops and horns as well. On his back, there are spines of a Spinosaurus. The major exception seems to be that his arms and feet are a bit more like a humans.

Looking at him up and down, Wade says, "T-Rex, Triceratops, Spinosaurus, sholdn't you be called the Cretaceous Man?" Evidentally, Wade is a fan of dinosaurs. He probably has a colouring book somewhere. As the teleportation belt begins to take effect, whisking them away to someplace unknown, the Jurassic Man will sigh, "I have J. Jonah Jameson to blame for that." And when the Warden reviews the video of this escape attempt, he'll see Wade climbing up on to the Jurassic Man as they teleport, and did he just call out, "hi-yo silver!"



Jurassic Jail Break! Spider-Man a Suspect!

A blonde woman appears on the screen, wearing an orange top and blue jeans. She's sitting on a white couch with blue cushions, and a white background. Sitting next to her, there is a young redheaded child, wearing a green top, and an older, bald man wearing a grey shirt. A blue bar appears below then, with the words 'eHarmony.com' written in white. She begins by saying, "I was a single mom, looking for a man, not only for myself," the words Angela and Norm appear next to her head, "but I went on eHarmony, I had to fill out a lot of questions about myself, but I really got to know who I was, and what I was looking for." While Angela speaks, the kid seems bored to tears.

They switch cameras, and suddenly the child is smiling. Then they switch cameras again, and the kid looks bored while the man speaks in a bit of a stammering rhythm, "eHarmony, I think, is the only, dating website, that could, bring something to me, the exact kind of person I was looking for. Other sites seem really shallow, there's no perfect match, beyond, Angela, she's the best person for me." He's obviously not as good an actor as Angela, as his voice slows and speeds up at odd intervals. It's very distracting.

The family is then replaced by a close up of an older guy. It reads 'Dr. Neil Clark Warren' near his head with 'Founder, eHarmony.com in smaller letters. He says, "maybe it's your turn?" Then the screen switches to another graphic, which says eHarmony.com, start communicating for free today. A voice over says, "Stop waiting, star communicating for free today."

Mercifully, the commercial is followed up by some thundering sounds as the information graphic of 'breaking news, a DBN exclusive' flashes across the screen in red and blue with white writing.

That image is quickly replaced by the sight of J. Jonah Jameson, sitting at a desk, wearing a navy blue suit, white shirt, and a red tie. Across the bottom of the screen it says, 'METROPOLIS ATTACKED' in white on a blue bar. Below that it reads, 'JURASSIC JAIL BREAK. SPIDER-MAN A SUSPECT' in black on a white bar, with the DBN logo on the right, as well as information suggesting that the stock exchange is down -83.69. And below that, the ticker reads 'ARKET GUNMAN ARMED COULIBALY, WIFE HAYAT BOUMEDDIENE ARRIV'

Jameson begins to speak, "minutes ago, the Jurassic Man escaped from Stryker's Island Penitentiary thanks to the help of Spider-Man! The wall-crawling menace first attacked the Green Lantern with some kind of remote controlled tank." A clip is shown of Deadpool using a tank with some kind of particle accelerator, like the one from Ghostbusters, but he's not firing it at Green Lantern, he's blowing a small hole in the wall of the prison courtyard while a green wall is shown blocking an adjacent doorway.

"We're hearing reports that that sinister spider has loaded up with technology, making him more dangerous than ever," another clip is shown of Deadpool standing inside a cell with the Jurassic Man, who looks like a cross between a T-Rex, Triceratops, and Spinosaurus, which incidentally, are all from the Cretaceous period. Deadpool appears to climb onto the Jurassic Man, yelling 'hi-yo silver' as they teleport away.

Jameson concludes, "we at the Daily Bugle will bring you more on this crisis as it happens."

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