Sudden Understanding

June 01, 2015:

A talk with her god leads Jes to some painful realizations.

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NPCs: None.

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Mood Music: None.


Fade In…

Jes climbs up over the fence from the zoo. She's just finished taking another look around. A very careful look. There's still a guard or cop or someone wandering around and its closed off. No one was really sure just what the hell happened there and Jes didn't want to be seen. It didn't look like those cultists were coming back tonight at least and she didn't find anything. The cops had been over the whole area pretty much by now. Jes walks for awhile in the direction of Fen's house, taking her time. She's a little stiff and bruised enough it looks like she got hit by a truck or something. Maybe she'll circle back by the zoo in a bit..there's something there, something little idea in the back of her mind that isn't quite there yet. Focused on her thoughts she arrives before Fen's house and is moving up the path and to the door without even realizing.

Fenris opens the door as she arrives. Almost as if he knew she was coming. "Come on in." He murmurs quietly. "You look like you got beat up. ARe you okay?"

Jes blinks a bit in surprise but enters. She looks around very carefully before she moves in and wraps her arms around him, pushing her face up into the crook of his arm and sighing. "I missed you." "I did get beat up. Sort of. But its okay, it'll heal in a few days."

"Have a seat. Maybe I can help you…" Fenris murmurs gesturing ot the couch. "At least make it hurt less." He goes to get a set of ritual tools. He's using those more and mroe these days.

Jes sits. "No, no its okay. I'm used to it. it's really not bad. You don't need to waste any energy. Besides if I show up all healed it'll look suspicious. They know I'm something but not what and I'm not planning on telling."
"Alright… are you in trouble or…" Fenris doesn't know why she might need to hide her brusies unless it's an infiltration or… a gym. "Or are you trying to learn something and don't want to give yourself away?"

"I'm boxing again and I really need to build up my stamina. Right now Coach has me against this huge guy. He just stands there and throws punches and I move all around him and hit, it doesn't even start bothering the guy until I'm ready to keel over in exhaustion. I'm already lasting longer though and most of the time I'm fast enough to dodge. When I start getting tired, this happens." Jes gestures to herself. "Come sit with me?" She looks a little sad but quickly pushes it aside. "It's worth a little pain and I can keep going unless my legs are broke." And then she'd just crawl. A lack of willpower isn't something Jes suffers from.

"Mmm, well that's good." Fenris ndos and seats Jes next to him putting his arm around her. "So how and where have you been? I've not seen you since last night."

Jes snuggles into his side, but very carefully. She doesn't want to hurt him. "I went away for a few days to Canada. I did the cleansing ritual and went on a vision quest." She sighs a bit. "It wasn't the best idea to do alone. I kinda…needed help. But it was something I had to do. I've been thinking about things since I got back and training. The rest of the time I'm with Library, or asleep." The way she says Library is kind of weird. Like its a name and not a place. "I stayed away too long. It starts to hurt if I don't see you or Zee or Nick enough but..I wanted to see how long I could do it." Longer than she'd thought but she's done testing herself that way now. "I'm done with that though or I'm going to go all nuts again and I just started thinking straight."

"Mmmm…" Fenris pets Jes gently. "Are you feeling better now?" He murmurs, letting her stay in against him. "You should probably stop trying to do everything alone. It hurts your friends. And it'll hurt you."

"I'm not..not exactly. I just needed to figure stuff out. It was easier to focus and think while I was alone." Jes leans her head against his chest. "I'm not sure if I feel better exactly. I feel clearer though. I know what I need to do." She's quiet for a little while but then looks up to ask "Did you ever have any visions? Like, of the future? Or heard of anyone who did?"
"Mmmm, and what's that? And yes, I did. Which is why I strongly advice people to not seek prophesy out. I know of an entire group of gods ruined and trapped by that kind of foolishness." Clearly Fenris has some strong opinions on that.

Jes looks even more confused but answers his question first. "I have to help you get your power back. Then I have to tell my stepfather where I am so I can kill him and free my family's souls. He's bound them to himself in some kind of..I don't know, dark blood magic protection ritual." She seems a bit hesitant. "I have to try anyway. I think..I think maybe I'm going to die. I did in the spirit world. Lots and lots of times. I don't even remember them all. It felt so real though. And it was weird..because sometimes I was me, but I wasn't me, and the times were all different. I remember being in a desert and looking down from up high into this town that had dirt roads and people and horses and wagons and no cars. And another time where there weren't any cars but there were flying, things. Not like like planes but..I dunno. It was strange. All the people there were strange and I was so sad and weak and there was nothing green anywhere just buildings and more buildings and machines."

Fenris shakes his head. "If you insist on listening to that… alright. But I'm telling you it's not a good idea. I've seen what happens when people lean to heavily on prophesy and diviniation."

Jes shrugs a bit. "I'm not saying I believe it. I was..under a lot of herbs and the spirit world is tricky. I didn't have a guide. They could have meant anything. Like, just, be careful. Or some jerk spirit messing with my head. It was scary though. But no way would I rely on something like that." Jes sits up straighter suddenly and gasps, the idea in the back of her mind suddenly crystalizing. "No..it wouldn't…" "It wouldn't be right." Jes bites her lip and then looks up again. "Darque is a necromancer. That's..evil. It's just..there are some things you just don't do. So is HYDRA, messing with the same stuff, and my stepfather but.." She looks more thoughtful than hesitant. "I think I have an idea."

"If you're thinking of blood magic or gut-reading, don't." Fenris says simply. "It's not worth it. Calling the shades of the dead… can be done but I really don't advise it. Leave the dead to their own realms. They often have trouble enough."

"I don't know what gut reading is and I don't think I want to..but no, not exactly. These cultists, we've killed some of them and they've definitely killed people. Sometimes they don't go on ahead right away, especially when they die all violently. I can see them, I can talk to them. If I can convince one, or trap them for awhile, maybe we can make them tell us what we need to know. And, I um..I know you and Zee were talking with, uh in the Library..You can't let her help you interrogate these guys. The live ones. That will hurt her in a way that can't be healed. You told me once you didn't intend for her to fall. This darkforce..that would be a big step right towards her falling into it. Besides, she wouldn't know what to do and I do. I know a lot of ways to get people to tell you what you want to know and I can read and scent their body language and that makes it even easier to know whats too much and whats too little and it wouldn't..damage me. Not like it would Zee."

"I do not intend to hold Zee back from what she purposes." Fenris says quite firmly. "I will advise her, as I do you, but I will not tell her what she can and cannot do. For one, it's disrepsectful. For another, she's nineteen. How many people that age take that kind of thing well?"

"It's not disrepsectful if it saves her. She can't turn into one of those evil bastards! She can't. That kind of thing ruins regular people. I know. I've seen it happen. Just tell her she doesn't need to prove herself. She has other skills, she's good at other things and this would be a huge mistake and lead her down the wrong path. She'll listen to you. She won't me. Anything I do or say that makes her uncomfortable or seems awful she just, ignores it."

"Jesana, is that what you think? That she's proving herself?" Fenris fixes the young indian with a glare. "Have you been paying any attention to what she does or who she is? Do you think she pushes herself because she has something to prove? And do you have so little faith in her character that you think exposing her to some darkness will ruin her?"

Jes glares back. "I think that torturing people screws up the souls of innocents like her and that its a big step down a path she doesn't need to go and is probably the only way these guys are going to talk And yes, I think she does push herself too hard, she doesn't ask for help, she's the most powerful person I've met and she's still so fragile. I think she thinks that because she's so young she has to go further and do more and be that much better and when she can't do something or gets in over her head, she can't admit it. She's still really young. So many people are expecting her to do all of these great things and its too much pressure on her. I have total faith in her but she isn't infallible. No one is."

Fenis shakes his head. "I think you misread her rather badly. And further I think you go too far in trying to protect her. No, I will not do that. And I would advise you to question what continues to push you to intervene on her behalf in that manner. It certainly isn't because she's asked you to. I have some suspicions myself."

Jes frowns. "Then what do you think? And suspicions about what?" She looks worried and more than a little frightened but not angry. Maybe confused too.

"You try to protect her from everything, Jesana. And you can't. You don't have the power, for one, and you don't have the right for another. She must be allowed to live her life. Make mistakes, which she will, and exercise her judgement which without putting too fine a point on it is much more qualified than yours when it comes to nearly anything arcane." Fenris blows out a sigh. "And if I had to guess, you do this because you are afraid. Because she is the one thing you have left. And you can't bear to risk her. And you forget that she's not yours to risk."

Jes gasps and stares at him and then scoots away, hugging her knees to her chest. She is afraid. She's terrified. She knows what it's like to lose one of the people she's bonded to and she doesn't think she can survive it again. She almost hadn't the first time and this time its even worse. "I can't. I can't lose her. She's all I have left..everyone else is gone. Dead..it's just me and I'm all alone and I don't even fit here. I don't belong. Not anywhere. I just get in her way. I'm so afraid of losing her that I'm doing it anyway because I can't stop trying to save her. I wish.." She stops talking and closes her eyes. That had been alot more than she'd wanted to say. Or even think about.

"You wish what?" Fenris says rather gently now that his point has been (fairly forcefully) made.

"I wish I hadn't left a message with Jericho. I wish he hadn't saved me. It would be better for everyone. Everyone I love either dies or belongs to someone else or both. It's like I'm cursed. It should have been me anyway. I'm the one he wanted. I'm the one he was training. If I hadn't ran off an came here, none of this would have happened. My stepfather would have come and taken me away and everyone would still be alive."

"Zee will not die. But she belongs to herself and, hear me Jesana, you will drive her away from you if you keep this up." Fenris gives Jesana a gentle hug. "She can be a good friend. Even your best friend, but you must be her friend and not her mother."

Jes shudders and gasps again curling into herself even more. She can see it now. Everything that she's been doing and why. She's so guilt ridden and haunted by what happened to her family, to her children and knowing that she's never going to have more..she isn't Zee's mother but she's been trying to act like it without even realizing. Its a very hard and hurtful thing to finally see it and she probably wouldn't have been able to if she hadn't gone off and cleansed her body and mind. However unhelpful and weird the vision quest had been, the cleansing ritual has only done her good.

Fenris hugs the young woman gently. Now that she understands… well, he can do no more here. She has a choice to make.

Jes shivers and sobs quietly. She learned a long time ago how to cry without making a sound and its just ingrained now but she does curl up into Fenris's side and let him hug her. After a time she's cried herself out, she hasn't really let herself grieve yet and its another thing she was in desperate need of doing. "T-thank you. I needed that..all of it." Jes curls up and puts her head in his lap.

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